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Challenging behaviour

If you're experiencing challenging behaviour from your child or young person, we have tips for what you can do and where to get help.

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Parenting is an incredibly rewarding and challenging experience.

At times, it can feel like a real roller coaster of emotions – particularly if your child or young person is behaving in ways that feel difficult to manage or understand.

If your child’s behaviour is challenging at the moment, it might feel exhausting. But things can change. With support, both of you can experience a more positive family life. On this page, we’ve got lots of ideas and strategies to help you deal with difficult moments.

What is challenging behaviour?

Most children and young people will behave in challenging ways at some point. Feeling upset, angry, stressed or disappointed is a normal part of life. Because we develop our ability to manage our emotions as we grow up, children and young people do sometimes act out when they’re going through big feelings. In response to their emotions, they may display a range of behaviours. It’s normal for younger children to hit or 'have a tantrum’ sometimes. And it’s normal for teenagers to shout, lash out or storm out sometimes. Most children and teenagers will also push boundaries as they test their independence.

But sometimes, challenging behaviour can become more frequent and difficult to deal with. It may start to have an impact on someone’s day-to-day quality of life, on relationships and learning at school, and on other family members.

Examples of challenging behaviour include:

  • having lots of angry outbursts or ‘tantrums’
  • regularly shouting, swearing, hitting, biting or kicking 
  • kicking, hitting, smashing or damaging things in the home
  • regularly refusing boundaries and routines, including not wanting to respond to reasonable requests
  • being impulsive and taking physical risks 
  • blaming others for their behaviour
  • bullying or being unkind towards others
  • persistently getting into trouble at school
  • refusing to engage in conversations about what’s going on

Why do children and young people behave in challenging ways?

An iceberg in the middle of the sea with blue sky and clouds around the iceberg. The iceberg has words that show different emotions that comes with anger.

The way your child behaves is a communication about how they’re feeling.

When your child is acting out, it can be helpful to think about the image of an iceberg. We only see the top of an iceberg because most of it is underwater. Similarly, when your child is behaving in challenging ways, there will be feelings going on under the surface that you cannot see. Your child may not be aware of these feelings and may need your help to talk about them.

Underneath their behaviour, a child or young person may be feeling angry, tired, stressed, anxious, confused, hurt, jealous, bored or something else. Whatever's going on, try to remember that the behaviour you see on the surface is not the whole story.

Talking to your child about their behaviour

If your child is acting out, starting a conversation about what’s going on can often feel like the hardest bit. Your child might not want to talk, or they might find it hard to recognise that there is a problem.

Starting a conversation while doing an activity together is a good strategy to try. This can help your child to relax by making it feel like less of a ‘big chat’. Depending on your child’s age, you could go for a walk, cook or bake together, or do something creative like colouring. Or you could start a conversation while travelling somewhere together.

If your child cannot talk at the moment, you could start a conversation by text or write them a letter instead.

Whether you’re talking in-person or in another way, our tips below can help you to have a positive conversation with your child.

  • Use simple phrases

    Try to use simple phrases such as:

    • "I notice there is a lot of shouting happening."
    • "I think something might be upsetting you."
    • "I feel worried you’re not happy."
    • "I need you to know you can talk to me about what’s going on."
  • Make it clear that the behaviour is the problem, not them or their feelings

    Be specific about the behaviour you have noticed, without using labels or negative words such as ‘naughty’, ‘bad behaviour’ or ‘horrible’.

    Tell your child that it’s normal to feel angry, frustrated or upset, but it’s not okay to express it in this way.

  • Explain why the behaviour is not okay

    It's important for your child to understand why their behaviour is not okay. For example, you might say that while it’s normal to feel angry, it hurts other people when they hit, or it hurts your feelings when they shout at you.

  • Be curious, empathetic and non-judgmental

    Try to understand things from their perspective. Let them know that it’s okay to feel however they feel, whether that’s sad, angry, worried or something else.

  • Reassure them

    Reassure them that you love them and you want to help them feel happier and enjoy things again.

  • Read our guide to talking to your child

    You can find more tips and advice for starting conversations in our guide to talking to your child about mental health.

Helping your child to manage their behaviour

Having some behaviour management strategies in mind can help you to feel more confident. Below are some things you can try to help your child manage their behaviour. Have a go at some different strategies until you find what works for you and your child. Be patient if new strategies do not seem to work straightaway. It often does take a bit of time for change to happen, and for your child to get used to things.

Finding professional support for your child

You can find out more about the support available in our guide to getting mental health support.

Getting support from mental health services

Looking after yourself

Supporting a child who is behaving in challenging ways can be an exhausting task. If things are tough at the moment, don’t be hard on yourself or your abilities as a parent. While it’s normal to feel upset when your child is acting out, often it is not about you. Like us, children and young people take things out on those they feel closest to and safest with. So try not to take it personally. Keep doing the things that help you re-charge and ask for support when you need it.

You might also find it helpful to reach out to other parents. It can be very reassuring to hear what they are struggling with and how they handle difficult situations. They can also be someone who gets it when you need to talk.

You can connect with other parents by:

  • reaching out to family and friends
  • accessing peer and group parent support through Parenting Mental Health
  • joining Facebook groups or other online groups
  • setting up your own parent support group using our guide
  • My favourite phrase when things are tough is: this too shall pass.
    Parent
  • Be kind to yourself. Keep reminding yourself that you are doing your best, even if you wish you might have handled something differently that day.
    Parent

You might also find helpful...

Useful helplines and websites

While we take care to ensure that the organisations we signpost to provide high quality information and advice, we cannot take responsibility for any specific pieces of advice they may offer. We encourage parents and carers to always explore the website of a linked service or organisation to understand who they are and what support they offer before engaging with them.

  • YoungMinds Parents Helpline

    We support parents and carers who are concerned about their child or young person's mental health. Our Parents Helpline provides detailed advice and information, emotional support and signposting.

    You can speak to us over the phone or chat to us online.

    You can speak to us over webchat between 9.30am and 4pm from Monday-Friday. When we’re closed, you can still leave us a message in the chat. We’ll reply to you by email in 3-5 working days.

    Opening times:
    9.30am-4pm, Monday-Friday
    Parents Helpline

  • Family Lives

    Emotional support, information, advice and guidance on any aspect of parenting and family life.

    Opening times:
    9am - 9pm, Monday to Friday; 10am - 3pm at weekends
    Family Lives

  • Family Line

    Provides information and support around family issues, as well as longer-term help through Befrienders and Counsellors.

    Opening times:
    9am - 9pm, Monday - Friday
    Family Line

  • Gingerbread

    Online information and advice for single parents in England and Wales. Their website provides support around issues like going through separation or bereavement, as well as financial issues such as child maintenance and child support or benefits.

    Gingerbread

  • Contact

    Provides support, information and advice for families with children with disabilities or other conditions including ADHD. Also runs family workshops and activities.

    Free online chat service available. 

    Opening times:
    9:30am - 5pm, Monday - Friday
    Contact

  • Place2Be Parenting Smart

    Parenting tips for parents and carers of primary-aged children. Website has advice about sibling relationships, setting boundaries, communicating limits and dealing with big emotions. 

    Place2Be Parenting Smart
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This page was reviewed in July 2023.

It was created with parents and carers with lived experience of supporting their child or young person with challenging behaviour.

We will next review the page in 2026.

YoungMinds is a proud member of PIF TICK – the UK's quality mark for trusted health information.

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